You know what I like about female superheroes? I like watching them get their asses kicked.

Now that I’ve gotten your attention with that horrific-sounding opening statement, allow me to move away from shock value and actually make a point.

I do not take pleasure in women getting hurt. Or men getting hurt. I enjoy a good action sequence. I enjoy a good fight scene. I enjoy slapstick comedy. But growing up as a kid, what I got in all my media was that women were always somehow untouchable. You could make jokes about the differences between men and women, but that was kind of the limit. With the exception of the shallow popular girl, female characters weren’t really allowed to be flawed, at least not as much as male characters were.

For example, a TV wife couldn’t ever be dumber than a TV husband. The husband was always a bumbling idiot, while the wife was the smart one. There are tons of examples of this. Marge and Homer Simpson, Claire and Cliff Huxtable… Hell, even on the Fairly Oddparents, where every single character was an idiot, Timmy’s Dad and Cosmo were dumber than Timmy’s Mom and Wanda.

And of course, a woman never gets hurt physically. Women can be as abusive to men all they want and it’s hilarious, but if a man hits a woman, shit just got serious. For example, if a lady kicks a dude in the nuts, everybody laughs. If a man ever kicked a woman in the cooch? There’d be hell to pay. It’s actually this recent Cyanide and Happiness comic that inspired this:

The way I see it, the reason women couldn’t get negative treatment on TV shows is because the writers are afraid of being seen as misogynists, and having the Feminazis descend on them.

God damn I love Ouran High School Host Club.

Well, to be fair, not just the Feminazis, but the general public. There seems to be an interesting attitude these days, which combines the idea of gender equality with old school chivalry. Something you have to understand about me is that I don’t subscribe to social graces. This isn’t out of anarchy, but more out of the fact that a lot of social customs just don’t make much sense when you think about them. Anything I say or do is done because I feel like it’s the correct thing to say or do, whether it is or isn’t socially acceptable (most of the time, it is). So yes, I believe in gender equality. I do not, however, believe in chivalry, because it necessitates that I treat women better than I treat men. And that’s unacceptable to me.

Chivalry would dictate, for example, that I hold the door open for a woman. And I do. I also hold the door open for men. I hold the door open for everyone. If I do not hold the door open for a person, it means that they are so far away from the door that if I stayed there, it would be an inconvenience to me. If I continued to hold open the door for a person who takes thirty seconds to even get to it, it would be a point of excessive politeness, something I promised myself wouldn’t happen anymore after I once was late to class because I was holding a door open for a very long line of people, none of which were considerate enough to take the fucking door from me.

Oh fuck this, you guys are on your own.

But chivalry goes on to other things. Like why should I pull out a chair for a lady? She’s got working arms. I’m sure that some women out there will think me a brute for it, but it’s true. It’s like the dudes in old cartoons that lay their jackets out over a puddle so a woman won’t step in it. Fuck that, lady! Just go around the goddamn puddle! I’m not ruining my property for you!

But you wanna know something about old school chivalry? It was a product of a time when women weren’t equal. When they didn’t have all of the rights that men did. And back then, that was fine. If a woman’s job is to stay in the kitchen, you better damn well court her properly, because then you’re at least showing some modicum of respect. But that doesn’t really apply anymore, at least not in modern American society.

Here’s the part that’s really gonna make people either love or hate this. Here’s a video I made last October about equality. Included is the story of the time I hit a girl:

If you don’t feel like watching the video, here’s the story: On a crowded bus full of teens during a summer program, I was reading a book. I was the trip clown, and would often do comedic voices and little bits upon request. Some girls asked me to do a bit while reading, and I told them no, and that I was busy. They kept insisting, then started poking and nudging me. Eventually, it escalated into them slapping me repeatedly. The slaps continued, getting harder and harder, until I was legitimately in pain. I then backhanded the ringleader in the face, and for the rest of the day, heard how evil I was for “hitting a girl”.

And I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. My stance on physical violence is this: Never be the one to start a fight, but if somebody else picks one with you, be the one to end it. Violence is justified as a reaction to other violence only, either defending yourself or somebody incapable of defending themselves from an aggressor. If you attack me, you are showing a complete lack of respect for me, and I’m sure as hell not going to show any respect for you, no matter what your gender is.

“But it’s wrong to hit a girl!”, people cry.

I ask, “Why”?

“Because girls are frailer and weaker than guys!”

I don’t give a shit. Women actually have a higher tolerance for pain than men. Comes from the hold childbirth thing. Sort of a package deal. As I explained before, if you disrespect me, I am not going to respect you. This comes back to what I said before, that when it comes to the treatment of women in society, we have this bizarre mixture of gender equality and chivalry, where men are supposed to treat women equally, but also better at the same time.

And I’m not dumb. I know that it’s hard to be a woman. 1 in 4 women get raped. That is not acceptable. Women make less money than men doing the same job. That is not acceptable either. And for every dude that is chivalrous, there’s another going “Aaayyy bitch, why don’t ya ride dat fat ol’ ass up on mah dick?”

But you know what? That’s not my doing. It is not an individual’s responsibility to make up for how society at large has ever treated any group of people. I don’t demand reparations from the descendants of Nazis to what they did to Jews before me. I don’t go around inviting black people to lynch me because of slavery. And if a woman puts me in a position where I would hit a man, I would hit that woman. Because that’s what equality is to me.

And this is why I like watching female superheroes get their ass kicked. Because if only the males did, it really would be a gross display of gender inequality.

That’s right Power Girl. Now take your beating and then give it right back to him. Hey, I said I like to see them get their asses kicked. I didn’t say I liked to see them lose.

So, I saw The Avengers yesterday, children of the glade. I could fanboy on and on, but assuming many of you haven’t seen the movie, I’m not going to, at risk of spoilers. Long story short, it’s the best action movie I’ve ever seen. Best superhero movie? Eh… I dunno. I think Captain America told a much better story. But I was really surprised with how well they used Black Widow. When Black Widow first showed up in Iron Man 2, she didn’t really do anything, at least not anything memorable. She was just kinda there to blatantly tie-in to The Avengers. In this movie? Full character study, lots of great moments, and a wonderful performance by Scarlett Johansson that didn’t exploit her body. I mean, yeah, they still showed it off, but it wasn’t the focus of her character, and you were usually paying more attention to what was going on rather than how her suit accentuates her ass (quite nicely, if you’re wondering).

This is a wonderful change to something I have a huge problem with in comics: How women are portrayed. Specifically, their outfits. And it’s not something that hasn’t been said before, but I really feel like I need to say it again: The way women are portrayed in comics is insanely sexist and exploitative. Let’s start with the world’s most famous female crime fighter, Wonder Woman!

This is the Wonder Woman I grew up with. Sorry, Lynda Carter fans.

Wonder Woman’s origins are neck-deep in sexuality. Wonder Woman was created by William Moulton Marston, also famous for creating the lie detector, which tied in to the magic lasso of truth (GET IT!? TIED!? LASSO!? AHAHAHAHAHA) You can read the full details on Marston’s Wikipedia page, but basically Marston was really, really into bondage and submission stuff. He believed that women were naturally submissive, but that it was out of nobility, not weakness. At the same time, he wanted Wonder Woman to be a strong character, albeit who solved problems not with fisticuffs, but love. But, like I said, Marston liked bondage. Wonder Woman’s weakness was that she would lose all of her power if he hands were bound behind her back by a man. Lots of covers featured Wonder Woman tied up and in trouble.

Oh, baby. Somebody needs a spanking.

But still, Wonder Woman’s original outfit is interesting. It’s for the most part the same, except she had a skirt. As time went on, this got replaced with the more iconic star-spangled panties. And of course, some people would call it inappropriate. Personally, I don’t know. I think a large part of it is the way that she’s drawn. Wonder Woman’s costume is essentially a one-piece bathing suit with some magical armor  motifs thrown in. There’s a little bit of boobage visible at the top, but ultimately whether it’s scandalous or not kind of depends on context and art style, and the outfit is revealing, but I’d argue that for the most part, it’s harmless. Unlike during Blackest Night, when Wonder Woman was inducted into the Star Sapphires. That’s right. They actually found a way to put Wonder Woman in even less clothing. But my current complaint about her outfit can be seen in this image:

With the reboot, DC’s been using the Justice League as their main flagship title (which, you know, makes sense since it’s some of their biggest heroes all together). One of the things they wanted to show off were the new costume designs. Everybody’s costumes look like some kind of armor instead of spandex now, and people have taken notice of the change. However, two changes stood out the most: Superman’s red briefs are gone, and Wonder Woman is wearing pants. Now, why am I complaining about Wonder Woman getting pants? I’m not. I think it’s fantastic. Except, well, here’s Wonder Woman’s first appearance in the Justice League run.

Notice how she’s not wearing pants. But ok, it’s cool, I’m cool. The first six issues of Justice League take place at the very beginning, when Wonder Woman first comes to America from her island. Issue #7 starts with a five-year timeskip, when the League are established and beloved heroes. Surely Wonder Woman’s in trousers now, right?

Huh. Nope. Ok, ok, calm down. What about her own book?

You motherfuckers. You know, like I said, I don’t really have a problem with her costume in itself. I don’t like how they changed all the gold to silver, but that’s just a color thing, not a lewdness thing. But DC promised to put Wonder Woman in pants, and 8 months later, there still aren’t any fuckin’ pants! (Although fuckin’ pants would be kinda counter-intuitive to the whole sexism-diminshing thing.) But hey, at least it’s not as bad as Power Girl.

Power Girl is a great character. She’s funny, confident, strong, and smart. She’s got a lot of her shit together, runs a successful company, and is a great superhero. You would never guess this by looking at her, because come on, woman! Boob window? Really? Power Girl’s first appearance was in All Star Comics #58, in 1976, in which she already had the boob window. After doing some research, I’ve found this blog from 2008, which covers Power Girl’s costume changes up until the reboot. Apparently some of her costumes didn’t have boob windows, but this was changed relatively quickly. Now, why am I making such a big deal about the boob window? Well, it’s because the boob window can’t be anything but sexual, contrary to what DC tries to claim. And yes, DC has made multiple claims. Once, they tried to explain the boob window as some tragic symbol. Another time, they claimed that “This costume only shows what I am. Female. Healthy. And strong. If men want to degrade themselves by staring and drooling and tripping over themselves, that’s their problem. I’m not going to apologize for it.” DC, I have three choice words for you:

PG’s boob window cannot be anything other than something sexual. Either own that, or ignore it, but don’t deny it. It is not her being a strong woman, it is something that was done to make the character more appealing to male readers, the comic market’s biggest demographic. It’s true, there are many women who like to express empowerment through sexuality, and there’s nothing wrong with that. “Slut-shaming” is a serious problem many women face, and if a girl’s comfortable with being sexy, there’s nothing wrong with her wanting to flaunt it a little, although there certainly are times and places when it is not appropriate. However, Power Girl’s boob window is not a woman asserting herself. Power Girl is an alternate-universe version of Supergirl, Superman’s cousin. Power Girl’s breasts are considerably bigger than Supergirl’s. Why are Power Girl’s breasts considerably bigger than Supergirl’s? Because Power Girl was created by men. Men who had to make a product to sell to boys, and couldn’t just sell Supergirl again. When I play DC Universe Online and this is the loading screen that comes on, my mind becomes less occupied with a strong woman comfortable with her body and more concerned with hoping the fucking level loads before somebody comes in the room.

That said, I don’t particularly hate Power Girl’s boob window, I just hate what it represents. I hate the over-sexualization of women in comic books. I hate how ruining a character like this is what comic writers think people want to see, to the detriment of the actual story. This is not right. This is not right. THIS IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT FUCKING RIGHT.

I get it. Sex sells. But for once, could you please respect our intelligence? I’m not saying to get rid of a woman’s sexuality. I’m saying that if you want to make the woman loving her body or her sexuality an important part of her character, do it well. Don’t just make it a shameless ploy, write it smartly, and nobody will be complaining aside from the moral guardians. Please, just… Cover somebody up, ok? Is that too much to ask?

Well, thank you!

Note: I’m aware that Power Girl and Huntress are now fully covered up in their New 52 incarnations as of World’s Finest #1. I just chose to show Ms. Marvel’s upgrade to Captain Marvel because I really like the outfit.