You know what I like about female superheroes? I like watching them get their asses kicked.
Now that I’ve gotten your attention with that horrific-sounding opening statement, allow me to move away from shock value and actually make a point.
I do not take pleasure in women getting hurt. Or men getting hurt. I enjoy a good action sequence. I enjoy a good fight scene. I enjoy slapstick comedy. But growing up as a kid, what I got in all my media was that women were always somehow untouchable. You could make jokes about the differences between men and women, but that was kind of the limit. With the exception of the shallow popular girl, female characters weren’t really allowed to be flawed, at least not as much as male characters were.
For example, a TV wife couldn’t ever be dumber than a TV husband. The husband was always a bumbling idiot, while the wife was the smart one. There are tons of examples of this. Marge and Homer Simpson, Claire and Cliff Huxtable… Hell, even on the Fairly Oddparents, where every single character was an idiot, Timmy’s Dad and Cosmo were dumber than Timmy’s Mom and Wanda.
And of course, a woman never gets hurt physically. Women can be as abusive to men all they want and it’s hilarious, but if a man hits a woman, shit just got serious. For example, if a lady kicks a dude in the nuts, everybody laughs. If a man ever kicked a woman in the cooch? There’d be hell to pay. It’s actually this recent Cyanide and Happiness comic that inspired this:
The way I see it, the reason women couldn’t get negative treatment on TV shows is because the writers are afraid of being seen as misogynists, and having the Feminazis descend on them.
God damn I love Ouran High School Host Club.
Well, to be fair, not just the Feminazis, but the general public. There seems to be an interesting attitude these days, which combines the idea of gender equality with old school chivalry. Something you have to understand about me is that I don’t subscribe to social graces. This isn’t out of anarchy, but more out of the fact that a lot of social customs just don’t make much sense when you think about them. Anything I say or do is done because I feel like it’s the correct thing to say or do, whether it is or isn’t socially acceptable (most of the time, it is). So yes, I believe in gender equality. I do not, however, believe in chivalry, because it necessitates that I treat women better than I treat men. And that’s unacceptable to me.
Chivalry would dictate, for example, that I hold the door open for a woman. And I do. I also hold the door open for men. I hold the door open for everyone. If I do not hold the door open for a person, it means that they are so far away from the door that if I stayed there, it would be an inconvenience to me. If I continued to hold open the door for a person who takes thirty seconds to even get to it, it would be a point of excessive politeness, something I promised myself wouldn’t happen anymore after I once was late to class because I was holding a door open for a very long line of people, none of which were considerate enough to take the fucking door from me.
Oh fuck this, you guys are on your own.
But chivalry goes on to other things. Like why should I pull out a chair for a lady? She’s got working arms. I’m sure that some women out there will think me a brute for it, but it’s true. It’s like the dudes in old cartoons that lay their jackets out over a puddle so a woman won’t step in it. Fuck that, lady! Just go around the goddamn puddle! I’m not ruining my property for you!
But you wanna know something about old school chivalry? It was a product of a time when women weren’t equal. When they didn’t have all of the rights that men did. And back then, that was fine. If a woman’s job is to stay in the kitchen, you better damn well court her properly, because then you’re at least showing some modicum of respect. But that doesn’t really apply anymore, at least not in modern American society.
Here’s the part that’s really gonna make people either love or hate this. Here’s a video I made last October about equality. Included is the story of the time I hit a girl:
If you don’t feel like watching the video, here’s the story: On a crowded bus full of teens during a summer program, I was reading a book. I was the trip clown, and would often do comedic voices and little bits upon request. Some girls asked me to do a bit while reading, and I told them no, and that I was busy. They kept insisting, then started poking and nudging me. Eventually, it escalated into them slapping me repeatedly. The slaps continued, getting harder and harder, until I was legitimately in pain. I then backhanded the ringleader in the face, and for the rest of the day, heard how evil I was for “hitting a girl”.
And I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. My stance on physical violence is this: Never be the one to start a fight, but if somebody else picks one with you, be the one to end it. Violence is justified as a reaction to other violence only, either defending yourself or somebody incapable of defending themselves from an aggressor. If you attack me, you are showing a complete lack of respect for me, and I’m sure as hell not going to show any respect for you, no matter what your gender is.
“But it’s wrong to hit a girl!”, people cry.
I ask, “Why”?
“Because girls are frailer and weaker than guys!”
I don’t give a shit. Women actually have a higher tolerance for pain than men. Comes from the hold childbirth thing. Sort of a package deal. As I explained before, if you disrespect me, I am not going to respect you. This comes back to what I said before, that when it comes to the treatment of women in society, we have this bizarre mixture of gender equality and chivalry, where men are supposed to treat women equally, but also better at the same time.
And I’m not dumb. I know that it’s hard to be a woman. 1 in 4 women get raped. That is not acceptable. Women make less money than men doing the same job. That is not acceptable either. And for every dude that is chivalrous, there’s another going “Aaayyy bitch, why don’t ya ride dat fat ol’ ass up on mah dick?”
But you know what? That’s not my doing. It is not an individual’s responsibility to make up for how society at large has ever treated any group of people. I don’t demand reparations from the descendants of Nazis to what they did to Jews before me. I don’t go around inviting black people to lynch me because of slavery. And if a woman puts me in a position where I would hit a man, I would hit that woman. Because that’s what equality is to me.
And this is why I like watching female superheroes get their ass kicked. Because if only the males did, it really would be a gross display of gender inequality.
That’s right Power Girl. Now take your beating and then give it right back to him. Hey, I said I like to see them get their asses kicked. I didn’t say I liked to see them lose.